Today I tried all day to come up with some article to post that was brilliant, insightful, and educational. I wrote a few things and found myself hypercritical of every word. It is so easy to crawl in the hole of self-judgement. Now……several hours later…..I find myself remembering that for me, when self-judgement is present, what I really need is not to accomplish what my thoughts are so voraciously telling me to accomplish. When self-judgement becomes present in my mood, it is a reminder that I need a day of self-care, loving kindness, and to just let myself be.
It always amazes me that the beauty of grace can only flow into us when we allow ourselves to be present with what is. Today, it was to total non-functualness. (Yes, I like to make up words to fit what I am trying to express) In surrendering to this today, for several hours, I gave myself the gift of kindness. Judgement grew quieter, my expectations of the day faded away and I enjoyed the evening. Peace was restored.
That is the way spiritual life works. When I came back to the moment I returned to Spirit and my true self. My true self was not in “accomplishment”. My driving self was leading me to be somewhere other than where I was. So no magic could flow. Here now, I feel flooded with energy that is slow, gentle, and wanting to share my experience because I am in my experience.
It is simple- Be where you are, in this moment, as you are, truthfully. Then you will see and know that everything is fine.
It is hard, I know too, to be with difficult emotions. Anxiety, Hopelessness, Doubt, Judgement.
It is essential to spiritual work to develop a witness. The witness observes…watches. The witness isn’t involved in your identity. It watches your identity like it is a movie and character. “What is this character going to do next? What are they going to feel? How are they reacting or expressing that feeling? What are they going to make it mean?” When you get to sit in witness long enough to see what you are doing then you are one step closer to being a truely conscious being. With consciousness you are conscious……awake and aware enough to do something other than your pattern.
You can be anxious and worried about whatever or you can realize that worrying doesn’t accomplish anything productive. You can feel hopeless and drained of energy or you can watch at how that makes you do nothing and feel nothing and so creates it own cycle. Have you ever noticed that what you are feeling promotes a synonymous action? The difficult emotions for us have all become stories. We have attached a meaning to why this feeling is present rather than realized, “Blank is present and so what I really need to do is acknowledge its presence and not push myself to be somewhere else” Because then you are pushing blank away. Which really is rejection. When you reject a feeling or moment you are having, you really are rejecting yourself. Then you are farther and farther away from yourself and any possibility of finding the flow again. The story will say, “I told you so.” It will always prove itself right. The pain tapes I call them. They are always the same, unchanging, and have some “telling you” kind of tone. It is up to you to rise above. See it for what it is and allow it to mean nothing. Hopelessness is hopeless. So if nothing is inspiring and all is bad, then what are you going to do? Keep mulling it over? Or just look at it. Look at in being present to it. Then you have just left it and found yourself.
I will write more another day about being present.